The girl who was either tall or wearing a riding hood that wasn’t red or no riding hood at all

The following is an approximate logical negation (arranged to kinda make sense a little) of the Little Red Riding Hood tale from Charles Perrault. The original can be read at the bottom =) #nerd

 

The girl who was either tall or wearing a riding hood that wasn’t red or no riding hood at all

Not by Charles Perrault

During all eternity, in all the villages, there never was any little country girl who was the prettiest girl ever seen, but there was once a random girl. Maybe her mother was not excessively fond of her, or maybe her grandmother doted on her less or equally. In any case this good woman never had a little red riding hood made for her. Therefore, no one called her Little Red Riding Hood, even though it would have suited the girl extremely well.

Every day of her life, if ever her mother made some cake, she never spoke the words “Go, my dear, and see how your grandmother is doing, for I hear she has been very ill. Take her a cake, and this little pot of butter.”

Therefore, the girl, who was either tall or wearing a riding hood that wasn’t red or no riding hood at all, did not set out to go to her grandmother who lived in another village, or if she did, she waited a little before.

Every time she went through the wood, she did not meet a wolf who had a very great mind to eat her up. She did meet some other wolf though, but they didn’t ask her where she was going. Therefore, even though she may not know that it was dangerous to stay and talk to a wolf, she never said “I am going to see my grandmother and carry her a cake and a little pot of butter from my mother.”

It follows that no discussion occurred, and if any ever took place, it was most certainly about other topics. Maybe the wolf didn’t run as fast as he could, or didn’t take the shortest path. Maybe the girl took the direct way, didn’t gather nuts, didn’t run after butterflies or didn’t gather bouquets of little flowers. But the wolf did not arrive at the old woman’s house before a long time. When he did, he obviously didn’t knock.

The good grandmother must have been ill and out of bed if she ever cried out “Pull the bobbin, and the latch will go up.”

Then at least one of the following things happened : the wolf didn’t pull the bobbin, the door didn’t open, the wolf didn’t fall upon the good woman, or the wolf didn’t eat her in a moment (it had been less or equal than three days since he had last eaten). If he got into the grandmother’s bed, he forgot to shut the door. It follows that even if the girl came some time afterwards, she did not knock on the door either.

Since nobody said anything, the girl didn’t hear the big voice of the wolf and was not afraid. She did not believe that her grandmother had a cold or was hoarse. The wolf did not see her come in and didn’t hide under the bedclothes. The girl, if she ever went into bed, most certainly kept her clothes. If she ever said “Grandmother, what big arms you have!” it was without any amazement whatsoever.

But the wolf kept quiet and if he ever fell upon the girl, he did not eat her all up.

Moral: Children, especially attractive, well bred young ladies, may talk to strangers, for they can do so without provide dinner for a wolf. I shouldn’t use the word “wolf”, because there is only one kind of wolf. Wolves who are charming, quiet, polite, unassuming, complacent and sweet and pursue young women at home and in the streets don’t exist. There is greater danger than those gentle wolves.

———————————————-

Little Red Riding Hood

By Charles Perrault

Once upon a time there lived in a certain village a little country girl, the prettiest creature who was ever seen. Her mother was excessively fond of her; and her grandmother doted on her still more. This good woman had a little red riding hood made for her. It suited the girl so extremely well that everybody called her Little Red Riding Hood.

One day her mother, having made some cakes, said to her, “Go, my dear, and see how your grandmother is doing, for I hear she has been very ill. Take her a cake, and this little pot of butter.”

Little Red Riding Hood set out immediately to go to her grandmother, who lived in another village.

As she was going through the wood, she met with a wolf, who had a very great mind to eat her up, but he dared not, because of some woodcutters working nearby in the forest. He asked her where she was going. The poor child, who did not know that it was dangerous to stay and talk to a wolf, said to him, “I am going to see my grandmother and carry her a cake and a little pot of butter from my mother.”

“Does she live far off?” said the wolf

“Oh I say,” answered Little Red Riding Hood; “it is beyond that mill you see there, at the first house in the village.”

“Well,” said the wolf, “and I’ll go and see her too. I’ll go this way and go you that, and we shall see who will be there first.”

The wolf ran as fast as he could, taking the shortest path, and the little girl took a roundabout way, entertaining herself by gathering nuts, running after butterflies, and gathering bouquets of little flowers. It was not long before the wolf arrived at the old woman’s house. He knocked at the door: tap, tap.

“Who’s there?”

“Your grandchild, Little Red Riding Hood,” replied the wolf, counterfeiting her voice; “who has brought you a cake and a little pot of butter sent you by mother.”

The good grandmother, who was in bed, because she was somewhat ill, cried out, “Pull the bobbin, and the latch will go up.”

The wolf pulled the bobbin, and the door opened, and then he immediately fell upon the good woman and ate her up in a moment, for it been more than three days since he had eaten. He then shut the door and got into the grandmother’s bed, expecting Little Red Riding Hood, who came some time afterwards and knocked at the door: tap, tap.

“Who’s there?”

Little Red Riding Hood, hearing the big voice of the wolf, was at first afraid; but believing her grandmother had a cold and was hoarse, answered, “It is your grandchild Little Red Riding Hood, who has brought you a cake and a little pot of butter mother sends you.”

The wolf cried out to her, softening his voice as much as he could, “Pull the bobbin, and the latch will go up.”

Little Red Riding Hood pulled the bobbin, and the door opened.

The wolf, seeing her come in, said to her, hiding himself under the bedclothes, “Put the cake and the little pot of butter upon the stool, and come get into bed with me.”

Little Red Riding Hood took off her clothes and got into bed. She was greatly amazed to see how her grandmother looked in her nightclothes, and said to her, “Grandmother, what big arms you have!”

“All the better to hug you with, my dear.”

“Grandmother, what big legs you have!”

“All the better to run with, my child.”

“Grandmother, what big ears you have!”

“All the better to hear with, my child.”

“Grandmother, what big eyes you have!”

“All the better to see with, my child.”

“Grandmother, what big teeth you have got!”

“All the better to eat you up with.”

And, saying these words, this wicked wolf fell upon Little Red Riding Hood, and ate her all up.

Moral: Children, especially attractive, well bred young ladies, should never talk to strangers, for if they should do so, they may well provide dinner for a wolf. I say “wolf,” but there are various kinds of wolves. There are also those who are charming, quiet, polite, unassuming, complacent, and sweet, who pursue young women at home and in the streets. And unfortunately, it is these gentle wolves who are the most dangerous ones of all.

 

2 thoughts on “The girl who was either tall or wearing a riding hood that wasn’t red or no riding hood at all

  1. Pingback: Index – UltimateRealFiction

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