Save point

When I die, I want the last thing I see to be your face. I want my last thought to be of you. I want to be close to you, be it in body or in soul… It will be scary, but it’s unavoidable, and with you I think I can face it.

When I die, remind me that there was no other way. Remind me that death comes for all, and that everything has an end. Tell me again how absurd it is to not accept that, and how useless it is to try and rebel.

Remind me that there’s no changing the past, that it is the only way things could have been. We never really had any choice, our lives were only the result of so many different forces pushing us.

Remind me that there is no changing the future, that it was always due to come this way. Everything was leading up to this all along. In a way, I always was and always will have been already dead.

Remind me that everything is deterministic, that every action has reasons and causes, which in turn have their causes themselves, and that this causal chain goes unmoving from the beginning of all to its end.

That’s how I wanna die. Facing the vertiginous infinity of time, embracing in its entirety this unabiding chain I am but a thread of. I think I find it comforting to be part of that neverending whole, even if it means I never had any choice…

I think I’ll be a lot less scared that my life is ending when I embrace the fact that Time means nothing, that the relentless chain of events always was and will be, and me within it.

So when I die, tell me about how absurd Time is, tell me about that infinity of moments we’re all connected to. Talk to me about the endless possibilities every second holds, which will only have lived in our minds.

Remind me of all the time spent in my own head, navigating through dream worlds or lost in my thoughts, envisaging unlimited possibilities for every moment I was breathing…

Tell me about the infinity of memories, where I dwelled over and over again, stretching these moments until fact was no different from fiction.

Tell me about those eternities captured in ink and paper, forever happening in books all around us. Tell me of these heroes forever starting and finishing their quests, making a mockery of time itself. Remind me of all the lives I’ve lived at their sides.

Remind me of all the time I’ve had, and all the time we’ve had together.

But most of all, remind me of this precise moment. This moment when we’re connected together through time and space. This moment when I’m writing these words. This moment, different but same, when you’re reading them. This moment, different but same, when I’m remembering them.

This moment forever immortalized on this page. This moment, but also all of these moments. This temporal singularity.

When I die, remind me of these words. I want to die remembering them. I want to die in this moment. This is where I want to remain, forever existing between now and never.

The moment I’m talking to you. The moment you’re hearing me. The moment you’re reminding me.

The moment when I’m remembering. The moment that I’m remembering.

The moment I’m imagining my death. The moment I’m dying.

The time when I’m staring at the absence of time.

When I die, remind me… of that time I imagined my death, and how I would spend it remembering that time I imagined my death, and how I would spend it remembering…

When I die, remind me that I am infinite.

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One thought on “Save point

  1. Pingback: Short stories index | AMadManWithABlog

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